Character Interview: Shirubaru Reishiro

Shirubaru Reishiro, 11th Division Captain, Kenpachi of Soul Society. Thank you for joining us here today.

No problemo.

How are you talking to us, by the way? Aren't you currently jawless?

Ehhh, this is non-canon.

True. So, let's get the ball rolling. How do you react to claims that your Zanpaktou is alarmingly… phallic?

What?

It makes you look as though you're compensating for something.

I'm not sure I follow.

It's, um, a bit of a visual innuendo, you might say -

Huh?

IT. LOOKS. LIKE. A. PENIS.

Hee hee, yeah, I know it does. Do you really think all those "you ride my Bankai and I'll come up from beneath" statements were unintentional on my part? I enjoy the look on people's faces as they try to erase what they just heard from their mind.

-cough- Okay then. Let's move swiftly on. Why do you hate windows so much?

Windows killed my father.

Oh, I'm so -

That was a joke, you moron, I never knew my father. Windows just get in the way, you know? I hate using doors, it's so conventional. If there isn't a window, then I'll go through a wall before I go through a door.

I see. When you looked at the Cuarta Espada's release, you saw your old mentor. Is he truly your greatest fear?

Yes. But I've killed him once, and if that creepy old bastard comes after me, I can do it again. The Cuarta Espada tries hard, but no-one can do "psychotic creepy old geezer" as well as my mentor did.

Okay, so currently there are two candidates to take over your role as Captain while you are, um, incapacitated - Cecilia and Nukari. Who do you think is more suitable?

Each has their strengths and weaknesses. Cecilia is incredibly powerful for her age and has unbelievable potential, but is currently new and inexperienced. Nukari has built up a rapport with the Squad, but is too psychotic and feral to make a good leader in times of crisis such as this. I would say that they'll have to fight it out, since my men will always accept the victor of a fight.

So, you're armless and jawless. Any plans for the future?

I'm going to mope.

What about your RPer? Does he have any plans?

Oh, gods yes. If HZ has anything to say about it, old Shirubaru isn't out for the count yet. In fact, you might be surprised at what develops.

Ooh.

Ooh indeed.

So how do you feel after your horrific loss to Abishai?

Pretty good, actually.

Oh. Really?

Of course not! How do you think I feel, you bastard? Geez, what kind of a sadistic question was that? "How do I feel!" What were you expecting me to say?

I'm - I'm sorry -

Heh, don't worry about it, kiddo. Have some sake.

What a nice man. Thank you.

Interview's over, yeah?

Well, yes, I'd say so.

Care to hang out? Have a little fun?

Ooh, sure. Heh, all those interviewers who got horribly killed will be gutted when they see what a great time I've had hanging out with the Kenpachi! What kind of fun did you have planned?

A friendly sparring match? I have no arms and my Zanpaktou is broken, so we should be more or less equal.

Oh. Is that the time? I have to -

-leaps-

OH MY GOD THAT'S MY FACE STOP KICKING ME IN THE FACE ARGH NO THAT'S MY CROTCH GO BACK TO THE FACE ARGH LIJHJFKABAJACAJJ AAAAACKKKKK…

-silence-

-tentative prod of corpse with foot-

Whoops.

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